I had watched this movie some years ago in the cinema, together with my friends. We learned one phrase that day - “Old sport”.

I remembered enjoying watching the movie on that day, perhaps I’ve always had this undiscovered soft spot for these classy movies. Pride and Prejudice, which I had never thought I would love, and the Anonymous, played by Rhys Ifans, whom lately become one of my favourite actors.

The phrase “The Great Something” mentioned in our telegram group chat reminded me of this movie again today, and I started my second run on this movie, and I stopped halfway after Gatsby told Nick that “the past could be fixed”. It occurs to me now that, with such comfortable atmosphere in the dark back then, I was deeply drawn into the world of the portrayed prosperous American Dream in the early twenties. However, right at this moment, I am sitting in my bedroom, with the bright white light on, I feel much less impressed.

Perhaps it has nothing with the atmosphere after all, perhaps it is really just I had grown these days. I started to feel sad about Mr Gatsby halfway through the movie, who was desperately trying to make Daisy part of his wealthy life, and it all started with that kiss at her house. I don’t think I had such feeling when I was watching it five years ago, the only thing I seemed to recall is the jealousy of such love. Yes I do believe in love, unlike many people in the world nowadays. In the movie Nick and Gatsby started to have this conversation of the past after Daisy and Tom left Gatsby’s mansion. They started to talk about the past and Nick, who had been the narrator of the story, shared his opinion on the past. That is, the past cannot be repeated. Gatsby, on the other hand, tried to mock but probably instinctively constrained by his successful eduction of being a gentleman. At the end of the conversation, he just corrected Nick by saying “you are wrong”.

I feel sad because I think I could understand the weight of the sentence now. The past indeed could not be repeated or fixed. After living on this planet for more than twenty years, I started to learn a few things. Every desperate and yet constrained move by Gatsby reminded me how I used to believe things. An idealist indeed, but also a fool. I could not help but dive into the memories. I would love to stop writing these down because living in a memory once again is dangerous yet attractive.

If Daisy and Gatsby could be together from the beginning, we will have a mundane and great love story. What if the reality stands in front of you and tells you to give up, or just accept what is given. Idealist would fight back, I would perhaps fight back as well. I could actually feel the desperation Leonardo was trying to convey in the movie, it reminded me years ago running headless, seeking the love that did not exist. Everything at the party was just a facade, just like every tiny controlled motion of us in our daily life, yet more the often the true self was too hideous to bear.

I stopped my second run of the movie when Gatsby started to call Nick again, saying that he had to help him getting Daisy out of the current unhappiness. He mentioned the servants were fired, and an unrespectful comment during the desperate pleading. Gatsby looked back at the butler twice as if he was uncomfortable of the butler’s presence, the butler eventually went out of the room. That’s when I said ok enough for tonight. It left me with just pure sadness, and some sympathy. It showed me that how much gentleman was left inside if you were really in despair. I am not blaming him, he cared too much and thus it hurt him too much. It hurt the people around him consequently.

Interesting how your feelings of the same movie change over time isn’t it?